Did a Shark Eat Your Boyfriend?

Ceasar and The Romans were said to be in a state of confusion whence winter rolled around each "year". I think they were drunk.

So, February was really like the last month before the "New Year" began, or before spring. This has to be why every single friggin holiday is jam-packed into this innocent, delicate month (BTW Februras means Purification..har, har snort, snort).

We got Groundhog Day, Valentine's Day, President's Day, Fat Tuesday aka Mardi Gras, The Oscars, The Grammys, Black History Month, Leap Day, My Birthday, Friday the 13...

But no matter how many groundhogs I pet, or hurricanes I drink, no matter how many black people I say hi to, or red carpet dresses that make me want to vomit and do a colon cleanse for, it's the pink hearts, hershey's kisses in red foil, raspberry mocha's, boy's named John or Matt or Mark--really any bible named boy, and prixe fixe dinners that make me want to drive to the posh part of North Hollywood (Noho), pick up my Gay and drive us to AMC where we will delight ourselves amoung popcorn and martinis to the big screen adventure of "My Bloody Valentine".


(excerpt from Kristy's life):

5 year old Reed: Hey Krithty, I wath wondering...whersth your boyfriend?

Kristy: Uhhh, well....

Reed: Did a shark eat him or something?

Kristy: Yes! Why yes he did! You're very smart.

Reed: I kinda figured. (goes back to coloring a flying ninja with 17 legs)

And smart he is. Had I thought of that 8 months ago and told everyone that that was indeed what happened how philanthropic my life could be today! I would feel just like that ninja. So, Reed I thank you, and the next boyfriend who comes into my life will certainly be impressed my my past.


Now there are bloggers out there who will slander V-day and rattle on about how it's a commercial holiday propaganded(I definately made that one up!) by the retail vampires. Others Eureka'ing on and on about how they prefer singledom mid-Feb. And still others gushing about their recent engagement and how clever their sig other was for putting the ring IN the champagne! Can you imagine? IN the CHAPAGNE! I love it all. I really do. I find it refreshing, hopeful, cyclical and real. And honestly, I can give you both sides of the coin. Heads and tails.


I have had pasta dinners with ten of my friends all eating out of one big bowl and downing bottles of red wine. I forgot, had fun, watched silly movies. I also secretly wished I was on a trip in Santa Barbara drinking wine by a fireplace snuggling with my fiance. I have had dates where I've been asked out on the actual day, relieved, dinner plans, excitement. But the next day couldn't have been any more empty. I have had boyfriends on the big day, glad to be coupled, ready to make plans, even talked about taking the aforementioned fantasy trip. But I have to tell you, he worked late, the dinner was overcrowded and expensive, I felt pressure to buy him something and the roses were expected.

Really, the whole boyfriend thing was a little bit of a let down. Why is it that if a guy is single on Valentine's Day the pressure is off for him. When a girl is single on Valentine's Day the pressure is on.

When you are in your grass is greener tunnel vision I urge you to focus on the details of your wish, the grass may just be artificial, I promise.

You wanna celebrate love? Jam pack your schedule with Laurel and Hardy film fests and wine nights with your best friend...and your Gay! February has a lot to offer, as does my Gay. He makes me dinner for no reason, puts up with my bullshit and at the end of the night lets me sleep by myself in my warm bed. We're gonna see V-day in 3-D--the way it should be. And don't forget to go to a black poety reading and adopt a groundhog.

This is my Valentine to you....Be Mine!

In case your not sold on the Gay is the way for Valentines Day motto.....I feel I should let you know that the Greeks had a word for the last day in February:

Annus Bisexxtus

Decaf

I slept the first three days of the new year.


Make no mistake. This is a good thing. I gave up coffee on January first too, after 13 years, so you know--par for the course. And really, anyone who didn't take three days to sleep off what will become known in history as "the year that shouldn't have been invented" will soon be seen in an anonymous meeting somewhere working out their brain disfunction. Hand to God.


Upon waking, I took a look around. I really should clean up. Wash the sheets, vaccuum, pay some bills, start working. What the eff is this green thing in the fridge? Whatever. I'm gonna go for a run and then count the days till my first paycheck of the year. Going full force decaf, with a side of sugar-free. Then I'm gonna notice.

I'm gonna notice that George Bush is leaving. That we somehow just figured out a way to make history. That even though there is a recession, I've never felt so equal to every other mother fucker in America. That the relationship I last got rid of needed to be gotten rid of. And some I need to salvage, are in fact salvageable. (Is that a word?)

I'm gonna notice too, my mountainous shortcommings. I went to an audition yesterday and the very nice man was like, "Tell me your life story in one minute!"
I chuckled and then made the following statement:
"I was born on a small farm. I'm funny and my hair never keeps a curl..actually I need a haircut." There was laughter. But, stupidly, I went on. Laughter is my cryptonite.
"I've been dancing my whole life but I just started acting."

Damn it. Why? I've been acting for, well, since I noticed my acting skills got my mom to do my homework when I was like 6.

Then we all looked at each other as if to say, that was odd. Which it was.
Alright, so perhaps in order to get my career on track I should stop out right LYING.

I'm institutionally corrupt. I live on the corner of balanced and besotted. Adjacent to hysteria.

Wish you were here.