Saturday, September 12, 2009

Let's Talk About Sex.

They say sex is a two-way street.
Don't they? Wait, I'm not sure now. Do they say it's a two-way street? And who are they?

I say sex is like a 4- lane highway. Fast, slow, boy, girl. And then there's the shoulder lane for all the twisted in-betweens and the broken transmissions. I'm sure you 're thinking I'm gonna talk about the down and dirty, which I will eventually, but I am currently obsessed with gender right now and as I see it two-way is a thing of the recent modern past. With adulthood (supposedly past the horizon) and my ovaries a-jumpin, sex consists of boys, girls, women and men.

Let's start with the 7-year olds. They just. can't. hear me. I'm smiley and happy, they ignore me, I yell, they call me mean. I smile, they jump on me and pull my hair. I tell them to quit it and sit down, they roll their eyes and call me mean. My co-worker says one single solitary even-toned word and it was like He spoke. Him. The Creator All Mighty. My fellow male co-workers think I'm dramatic and crazy, when really I'm just not a boy.

Then there's the semi deep stuff. Sometimes it just hits me on my way home from work or when I'm stuck in traffic and there isn't one song I want to hear on the radio. I just KNOW he has moved on without a second thought, I know it! Damn him! Not damn him for not being in my life but damn how do they do it? They have no time constraints. One girl leaves and they literally go from that point onward. I know I'm speaking in generalities but there is no other way to get my point across then to report on those I know--boyfriends, boy co-workers, boys in the family, boy exes, boy currents, lots and lots of boys.

If I was a 26 year old boy who broke up with my girl there would be family and football and friends and other girls lining up and my career to focus on. But as a chick you worry. Ok, you say to yourself, hurry and go work out! go where they boys are! when am I gonna have sex next? not too soon or I'll look like a whore! It really can be a burden with your ovaries twitching and your wine-tummy expansion.

I have a real hard time admitting that most of the time I don't crave marriage, I don't crave responsibility and it feels like such a relief to only have to deal with my own problems and not someones elses. I want to have sex when I want to and then not have someone hogging the bed. Then every couple of weekends or so go as a couple somewhere and have dinner together. But the other half of the time I find myself curled up wondering when my prince will come, fighting the nesting urge and smacking myself for being so L.A. when I should be like a normal woman.
But I can't get away with just wanting to drink beer and watch football. And it sounds so anti-feminist to wish for a boyfriend. I want babies and it's out of my control! I don't want to want babies for christ's sake! I find myself not wanting to sound like a "girl" and that is terrible. I am one, I am a complex emotional being with a cute tush. And if that's what the world needs then.... .Life is a Highway!


  1. I am done commenting on this blog, as I will now resort to threats: If you do not blog more I will physically come over to your apartment and smack you.

    Your blogs are too well-written, too well-thought out and hilarious and heartbreaking and So Freaking True for you to only blog once a month or so.

    Knock it off. Blog more or else.

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  3. you do have a cute tush, god damn it. you deserve to use it. love this one.