Friday, November 11, 2011

Making History

Yes, today is one in a hundred years. 11-11-11. Eleveneleveneleven. I set out to make history. Wanted to commemorate by doing one thing I was afraid of. Wanted to go see a psychic. Bought a paper, bought 11 lotto tickets, wished on 11:11 a.m and p.m.

But right now I'm going to go tell someone I love them. I'm going to have hope. I'm going to love this moment. There are people who love me, who would fight for me, who make me dinner and buy me breakfast and laugh at my jokes and show up for my birthday. Eleven is the same backwards as it is forwards, so maybe history is moving forward and will come back to me one day.

Happy everything to everyone. May you inherit the sum of money you need. May you never stop wishing and hoping, may you conquer your fears, and may you pull backwards and move forwards.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The first step into a steaming bath

The first page of an amazing book

The first sip of velvety rich coffee of the day

The first bite of a lovingly prepared meal

The first scene of a show you've been waiting for all week

The first time you get to ignore the alarm clock in the morning

The first gift you get to open

The first score in the game of the team you love

The first bite of macaroni and cheese before it curdles and gets rubbery

The first in line before everyone comes in right after you

The first song at a concert with the artist that you love

The first day of a week long vacation

The first person who thankfully breaks the silence

The first time you realize you never thought about it that way

The first bite of the best ice cream you've ever tasted

The first day of a brand new pedicure

The first beer on Superbowl Sunday

The first time you see your favorite movie

The first crossword puzzle of the week

The first round of Jeopardy

The first sight of the new magazine you just received in the mail

The first time you make an entire audience laugh


Sunday, March 20, 2011


Stared you right in the eye.
Well, maybe a little off-center, more to the left.
But the wind was coming, I could feel it. It was hot and breathy as I had remembered. And suddenly, without warning--I guess that's the meaning of suddenly--, I got what I wanted and not what I needed.
That wind turned out to be the worst, most humiliating, nothing salvageable, saddest blow to date.
There was no one to be seen after that, almost no one. Sat down, not knowing what hit. Sank my head down and sobbed. Uncontrollably. And the little one, who was almost no one, looked to me for comfort because no one one else knew she, or he, existed. We sat there together, for almost 40 hours. Alone.
I'm so, so sorry baby.

Walking there, getting there, runnng away, staying, knowing and ignoring, loving, hating, wishing, weeping.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Ten! Ten! Ten!

I feel very lucky to see it! A wedding is taking place of very good friends and it's just a day to celebrate.
I'm just gonna live in today, and I rarely do that. Friends, food, drink and entertainment. Health, hope, youth and football. Laughter, coincidence, imperfection and pleasure. Sleep, light, beauty and momentum.
Cheers to you today. See the poetry, circles, pace and sense that it all makes.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

February, my friend

It's been a long birthday month.
Yes, I celebrate the whole month. If you were an only child you would celebrate the entire month too.
The thing is I was expecting to have the balloons and champagne and hearts and dancing and pink and kisses and lace and laughter and presents that I always get.

February had something completely different in mind.

Hey, aquarians are bitches are they not? February threw me some ups, some downs, some wine, some enchiladas, some arguing, some laughter some misplaced fortunes, some lack of abundance, some relief, some music, some down right anger, some emptiness, some surprise, some realization, some well recieved alone time, some innocence, some good food, some adult situations, some immaturity, some hugs and a lot of balance.

So I asked the Greeks and the Universe, and my friends and Grace, was this my gift? Did you hand wrap life as it should be as it once was and what it can be? Because if so, life right now is represented as a raspberry mocha, converse, thai food and childen running me over. And I couldn't thank you more.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Popping the Cork

So we just had this decade thing. Raise your hand if you feel old(er)! raise your hand if you remember where you were for NYE 2000. Where you were 21 months later when you woke up and heard about a plane crashing into the World Trade Center and the the Pentagon. I had just returned from a camping trip that would forever be lodged into my memory, not necessarily because it had happend days before 9/11, but because it was a coming of age story. I'm a late bloomer, what can I say? I sang about politics and prejudice and gender equality in front of a blazing fire to the boy across the flames who was falling for me. It was called "Strawberry Fucker", and I got the red headed boy at the end. Flames boy. Ah, but that was decades ago. So I guess that's what I did. I spent this decade coming of age, becoming my age, catching up to this day and age, tying the bond of the old age with the new age. This decade, fortunately formerly and quite awkwardly called the 2000's, is the part of my story that is in between what was and what will be...

Within this millenium decade I graduated college, aquired panic attacks, moved in with my college friends who 11 years later are my best friends, became an L.A. Native, broke up a 5 year relationship, fell in love, became an actress, moved 3 times, started drinking wine, turned 25, turned 30, created traditions, found myself 8 years into tradition, broke traditions for once, traveled across the country and the world, ran a marathon, held at least 8 jobs, found my love of improv, performed for Kiefer Sutherland, never let my love of baseball die, found out a lot, a lot of things, cheated and lied, lost friends and family memebers, found friends, watched terror, watched amazement, fullfilled my maid-of-honor duties, was on t.v., got abandoned, went to 6 Tori Amos concerts, stayed as social as a butterfly and as focused as a feather, drove a jeep, a toyota pick-up, a mustang and another jeep, traded $1.99 frozen meals for fresh tilapia and olive oil, switched to decaf, kept the same Uggs (ew), did the thing I am most proud of, did the thing I am least proud of, went to my high school reunion, stayed happy for 7 or 8 of the 10 years, drove to San Jose from Los Angeles approximately 70 times, and survived the transitions.

I didn't get married or have children or move in with a boy. I didn't become rich. I have yet to move my career path in the direction I want it to go without looking back, or forward or sideways or upside down. I didn't dedicate life to much more than a few small causes and big parties. And for this I am ready. Ready for the Ja'i dix ans. Because the truth is it's not about finding the right person, it's about being the right person.

So, my friends, I came into 2000 with a BANG, and I quiety, more swiftly and awakenly enter this new chic era.
Happy New Year!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

You don't begin to live until you've lost everything.

I had one foot out the door. I'm sorry, it's just always like that. I let you down. You said "roots" and I only pictured chains. Is it better to roam the earth or fly above? The ariel view allows me to see the spots that are dead, have lost growth. But looking you in the eye levels me and everything surrounding us disappears. New York City skyscrappers disappear. Forefathers disappear. pasts and futures disappear. Anxiety disappears. Seeing disappears. Hunger, curiosity, drive. Disappear, disappear, disappear...

She couldn't keep it in her pants. Her mind, that is. She sat witnessing. Witnessing you witnessing her. She prayed. She doesn't pray. She got rational. And talked calmly. Some would say--way to go, others had the chance to be suspicious. She said, to herself, that she knew. She knew, right? Like that time, in that bed, when she felt the embarking. Was it the future or a lucky shot.

Knowing that roots cause pain, knowing that flying causes pain, can you love me. I hate marking questions. Seeing me as a little girl, seeing me as an eighty year old woman, did you spend your days without me. The upside down wine and the right side up cake, never did I doubt our world, just me in it. I have no discipline. You have no vision. There was that day, you changed your mind. There was that day I changed mine. Say what I need to say? Okay.

You don't begin to live until you've lost everything.