Ten! Ten! Ten!

I feel very lucky to see it! A wedding is taking place of very good friends and it's just a day to celebrate.
I'm just gonna live in today, and I rarely do that. Friends, food, drink and entertainment. Health, hope, youth and football. Laughter, coincidence, imperfection and pleasure. Sleep, light, beauty and momentum.
Cheers to you today. See the poetry, circles, pace and sense that it all makes.

February, my friend

It's been a long birthday month.
Yes, I celebrate the whole month. If you were an only child you would celebrate the entire month too.
The thing is I was expecting to have the balloons and champagne and hearts and dancing and pink and kisses and lace and laughter and presents that I always get.

February had something completely different in mind.

Hey, aquarians are bitches are they not? February threw me some ups, some downs, some wine, some enchiladas, some arguing, some laughter some misplaced fortunes, some lack of abundance, some relief, some music, some down right anger, some emptiness, some surprise, some realization, some well recieved alone time, some innocence, some good food, some adult situations, some immaturity, some hugs and a lot of balance.

So I asked the Greeks and the Universe, and my friends and Grace, was this my gift? Did you hand wrap life as it should be as it once was and what it can be? Because if so, life right now is represented as a raspberry mocha, converse, thai food and childen running me over. And I couldn't thank you more.

Popping the Cork

So we just had this decade thing. Raise your hand if you feel old(er)! raise your hand if you remember where you were for NYE 2000. Where you were 21 months later when you woke up and heard about a plane crashing into the World Trade Center and the the Pentagon. I had just returned from a camping trip that would forever be lodged into my memory, not necessarily because it had happend days before 9/11, but because it was a coming of age story. I'm a late bloomer, what can I say? I sang about politics and prejudice and gender equality in front of a blazing fire to the boy across the flames who was falling for me. It was called "Strawberry Fucker", and I got the red headed boy at the end. Flames boy. Ah, but that was decades ago. So I guess that's what I did. I spent this decade coming of age, becoming my age, catching up to this day and age, tying the bond of the old age with the new age. This decade, fortunately formerly and quite awkwardly called the 2000's, is the part of my story that is in between what was and what will be...

Within this millenium decade I graduated college, aquired panic attacks, moved in with my college friends who 11 years later are my best friends, became an L.A. Native, broke up a 5 year relationship, fell in love, became an actress, moved 3 times, started drinking wine, turned 25, turned 30, created traditions, found myself 8 years into tradition, broke traditions for once, traveled across the country and the world, ran a marathon, held at least 8 jobs, found my love of improv, performed for Kiefer Sutherland, never let my love of baseball die, found out a lot, a lot of things, cheated and lied, lost friends and family memebers, found friends, watched terror, watched amazement, fullfilled my maid-of-honor duties, was on t.v., got abandoned, went to 6 Tori Amos concerts, stayed as social as a butterfly and as focused as a feather, drove a jeep, a toyota pick-up, a mustang and another jeep, traded $1.99 frozen meals for fresh tilapia and olive oil, switched to decaf, kept the same Uggs (ew), did the thing I am most proud of, did the thing I am least proud of, went to my high school reunion, stayed happy for 7 or 8 of the 10 years, drove to San Jose from Los Angeles approximately 70 times, and survived the transitions.

I didn't get married or have children or move in with a boy. I didn't become rich. I have yet to move my career path in the direction I want it to go without looking back, or forward or sideways or upside down. I didn't dedicate life to much more than a few small causes and big parties. And for this I am ready. Ready for the Ja'i dix ans. Because the truth is it's not about finding the right person, it's about being the right person.

So, my friends, I came into 2000 with a BANG, and I quiety, more swiftly and awakenly enter this new chic era.
Happy New Year!

You don't begin to live until you've lost everything.

I had one foot out the door. I'm sorry, it's just always like that. I let you down. You said "roots" and I only pictured chains. Is it better to roam the earth or fly above? The ariel view allows me to see the spots that are dead, have lost growth. But looking you in the eye levels me and everything surrounding us disappears. New York City skyscrappers disappear. Forefathers disappear. pasts and futures disappear. Anxiety disappears. Seeing disappears. Hunger, curiosity, drive. Disappear, disappear, disappear...

She couldn't keep it in her pants. Her mind, that is. She sat witnessing. Witnessing you witnessing her. She prayed. She doesn't pray. She got rational. And talked calmly. Some would say--way to go, others had the chance to be suspicious. She said, to herself, that she knew. She knew, right? Like that time, in that bed, when she felt the embarking. Was it the future or a lucky shot.

Knowing that roots cause pain, knowing that flying causes pain, can you love me. I hate marking questions. Seeing me as a little girl, seeing me as an eighty year old woman, did you spend your days without me. The upside down wine and the right side up cake, never did I doubt our world, just me in it. I have no discipline. You have no vision. There was that day, you changed your mind. There was that day I changed mine. Say what I need to say? Okay.

You don't begin to live until you've lost everything.

Fall

We fall to get up.

We fall in Love.

Don't believe the hype that we fall out.

The sky IS falling.

Fall into my arms, just this once.

A fall harvest is just the kind of harvest we need.

Falling from grace, just means grace is a mean bitch.

Free fallin is the best feeling in the world.

Fall is orange and green and red and brown, so am I.

Fall right. Or left or wrong.

Fall write.

When she falls, pick her up dammit.

Don't fall for it.

Falling is detrimental to our health. Falling is necessary for our survival.

If you fall...you better hope Obama has a good health plan.

Fall, sweet baby, fall.

Let's Talk About Sex.

They say sex is a two-way street.
Don't they? Wait, I'm not sure now. Do they say it's a two-way street? And who are they?

I say sex is like a 4- lane highway. Fast, slow, boy, girl. And then there's the shoulder lane for all the twisted in-betweens and the broken transmissions. I'm sure you 're thinking I'm gonna talk about the down and dirty, which I will eventually, but I am currently obsessed with gender right now and as I see it two-way is a thing of the recent modern past. With adulthood (supposedly past the horizon) and my ovaries a-jumpin, sex consists of boys, girls, women and men.

Let's start with the 7-year olds. They just. can't. hear me. I'm smiley and happy, they ignore me, I yell, they call me mean. I smile, they jump on me and pull my hair. I tell them to quit it and sit down, they roll their eyes and call me mean. My co-worker says one single solitary even-toned word and it was like He spoke. Him. The Creator All Mighty. My fellow male co-workers think I'm dramatic and crazy, when really I'm just not a boy.

Then there's the semi deep stuff. Sometimes it just hits me on my way home from work or when I'm stuck in traffic and there isn't one song I want to hear on the radio. I just KNOW he has moved on without a second thought, I know it! Damn him! Not damn him for not being in my life but damn how do they do it? They have no time constraints. One girl leaves and they literally go from that point onward. I know I'm speaking in generalities but there is no other way to get my point across then to report on those I know--boyfriends, boy co-workers, boys in the family, boy exes, boy currents, lots and lots of boys.

If I was a 26 year old boy who broke up with my girl there would be family and football and friends and other girls lining up and my career to focus on. But as a chick you worry. Ok, you say to yourself, hurry and go work out! go where they boys are! when am I gonna have sex next? not too soon or I'll look like a whore! It really can be a burden with your ovaries twitching and your wine-tummy expansion.

I have a real hard time admitting that most of the time I don't crave marriage, I don't crave responsibility and it feels like such a relief to only have to deal with my own problems and not someones elses. I want to have sex when I want to and then not have someone hogging the bed. Then every couple of weekends or so go as a couple somewhere and have dinner together. But the other half of the time I find myself curled up wondering when my prince will come, fighting the nesting urge and smacking myself for being so L.A. when I should be like a normal woman.
But I can't get away with just wanting to drink beer and watch football. And it sounds so anti-feminist to wish for a boyfriend. I want babies and it's out of my control! I don't want to want babies for christ's sake! I find myself not wanting to sound like a "girl" and that is terrible. I am one, I am a complex emotional being with a cute tush. And if that's what the world needs then.... .Life is a Highway!

The things that you earned are given, not won

I was out riding my bike last twightlight of yore (that means a few evenings ago) when a voice came into my head. It might have been my ipod, but whatev.
"Day to day, where do you want to be?" it said. And really, what a fabulous question isn't it? You can be in any situation at any time and you ask yourself that and boom the answer comes.
Try it.